Magkänslan
Veckan, eller snarare veckorna, som varit har fått mig att inse att jag måste lita mer på magkänslan. Den finns där av en anledning. Och jag är en sån person som ofta tar på mig saker trots att kroppen artigt tackar nej. Jag blir arg på mig själv när det blir så. När jag inser att jag är en sån människa som jag själv uttryckligen hatar. Okej, starkt ord, men jag tycker inte om människor som säger en sak, och sen backar tillbaks. Därför ska jag försöka sätta stopp för mina dumma påhitt genom att senare idag ringa ett samtal. Ett otroligt jobbigt samtal, men jag har vändit utochin på mig själv och slutligen insett att det måste göras. Man ska inte göra saker som varken känns bra eller rätt.
Jag måste börja någonstans.
Jag mår ju så otroligt dåligt när jag vet med mig att jag sagt ja, och sen inte vill. Det är inte roligt att tacka nej i sista stund, och det är heller inte roligt att göra någonting som man inte vill. Jag är så tacksam att jag har min kloka mor och förstående sambo, som förstår sig på mig, och att dom kan sätta stopp när dom ser att saker och ting går för långt.
Men ibland är man i en knepig situation där man varken kan eller vill säga nej. När allting helt enkelt går för fort. Hjärnan och kroppen hinner inte diskutera. Och poff, så var det klart.
Magkänsla. Jag har aldrig riktigt tänkt på den förut, först för två veckor sedan. Jag fick upp ögonen och såg allt klarare än någonsin tidigare. Förstod att jag faktiskt har en egen vilja av en anledning, och som jag bör följa för att må så bra som möjligt.
Jag är döless på min vardag. Därför tar jag tag i saker och ting nu. Det kommer inte ändra sig om inte jag själv gör det. Sen är det svårt när man inte riktigt vet vad man vill. Men det är iallafall inte det här, det är vi överrens om, hjärnan, kroppen och jag.
Människor som känner mig närmare inpå livet vet att jag har svårt att säga nej, och det uttnyttjas därför väldigt mycket, fastän att jag själv inte insett det tidigare. Jag har alltid försökt att vara alla tillags utan att lyssna på mina egna behov. Och där dyker magkänslan upp igen. Jag känner den tydligare nu och kan tyda den på ett annat sätt. Jag förstår vad det är den vill.
Nu börjar vi om härifrån.
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